Not-So-Secret Weapon - Part I

Angie and Josiah are probably mortified that I am talking about my drawers, but there it is. It has to be done - in the name of reclaiming the figure you and I want to have. I want to look as sleek as possible, with some curves, and as always, accentuating the positive.

I learned during the preparations for my wedding, about the importance of what I call, "Foundational Support Undergarments" (FSU). I wore my mom's wedding dress from the 60's which had an empire waist and long a-line skirt. In order for the dress to "look right," for it to look the way it was intended, I needed to flatten my tummy and enhance my bust. I went to the Contessa Corset Shop, and they hooked me up. They measured me, taught me how to put the corset on (though emphasized that on the wedding day I would definitely need help - there were zillions of hooks Angie had to do up!), and how to arrange myself (my breasts) once it was on me.

This experience prepared me for future bra-buying. After my first child was born, my cup size increased considerably, and again with my second. I went back to the Contessa Shop and was re-measured after I was done nursing La Segunda. I bought two bras, which at $50+ apiece, was a bit steep, I thought. They fit correctly for a while, but then, as all bras do, they lost their oomph.

Being the skinflint that I am, I needed to take stock and re-evaluate my priorities. And here they are:

1. I want to look shapely and good
2. I don't want to spend huge amounts of money, but will spend what I need to to look good
3. I will not get plastic surgery to change anything about my figure - so the money I would have spent on that, I can put into FSU's that enhance me
4. Comfort is a relative thing. If I know I look good, that will make me feel better about myself, than concern over a slight tightness around my ribcage.
5. Comfort is, however, important, and I do not advocate for suffering. If a bra fits correctly, it should not hurt, but it's ok (in my opinion) to be able to feel it during the day.
6. Quality is also relative - many more expensive bra's are not necessarily better made.

So, I made a change, I bought 3 enhancing (a.k.a. Padded) bras in different colors that I like at $15 apiece. I have vowed that as soon as they start to loose their strength, I will buy new ones. This might happen as frequently as every 3 months, and that's ok. As we all know, I think the décolletage is important!

N.B. I love how Helen Mirren looks in the movie poster (above) - Hot, right?? But, just for the record, I HATED the film itself. Ugh. So disgusting!

Slutty mom or Frumpy mom?

Is there no middle path? Now, I may be drawing the dividing lines pretty heavy and thick, but, seriously, the style options out there for moms are slim!

I mean, I am happy to be the size I am now and I want to celebrate that. I don't want to be hidden in the suburban burqa - the matching sweat suit and sneakers - no matter what J Lo has done for the tracksuit. Nor the frump-o-rama of matching cutesy-poo. Does that mean tight clothes and belly shirts (when will the belly shirt go away??)?

I grew up with the idea that the belly stays covered. Legs should show, and if you have cleavage, then flaunt the décolletage. But that paradigm is all topsy-turvy now. The Kids are wearing belly shirts w/skinny low-rise jeans. I mean, I'm fine w/my Tiger Stripes, but the rest of the world doesn't need to see them. Plus, I'm not a kid, nor am I a slave to fashion. I want to look good.

So, if I show some décolletage, show some leg, (but not in a mini-skirt), wear some heels, does that automatically make me a "cougar"? What's a cougar, you ask? This may be nasty 20-something bar slang, but a cougar is a middle-aged woman who dresses "slutty." Jill Foster Chancellor Brooks Abbott of the Young & the Restless is a classic cougar. Especially in the days when she was seducing Brad Carlton, but that's another story.

I guess when it comes right down to it, I'd rather be the Slutty mom than the Frump.

jewelry coincidence

Wow! random coincidence! I wore a v. basic outfit today, black v-neck sweater with grey pants, and decided I needed an accessory, to help with the "décolletage". I first went for a necklace that's a beetle encased in acrylic, on a red cord. The cord doesn't tie well, so I changed to another red necklace that my husband, Josiah, gave me - this flower one.

While at work I got up to go "powder my nose" and another woman from my department stopped me in the hall and said, "Did you get that necklace in San Francisco, or Europe somewhere?" I said Josiah got it for me, but that I thought he got it in San Fran (at the SF Moma). Well, it turns out that this woman is friends with the artist, Amelie Blaise. I've always liked this necklace, but her whole collection is fabulous! How beautiful!

I'm glad I decided to wear this one today.

my current style

The personal style authors* talk about figuring out what physical attributes I want to accentuate and what colors I look good in, and take it from there. They suggest going through the closet and make sure everything fits. Do this at least once a year, and donate anything you haven't worn in 2 years or more. I don't like getting rid of clothes, a trait I've inherited from my mom, but it's a good practice. And I didn't want to do it until I got down to a size, post-delivery, that I felt comfortable about.

I started going through this style process, in earnest, after I got down to my original pre-pregnancy weight. It IS possible! Truly. Before I got there it seemed impossible. And I will give a plug right now for the book that helped me get there: "Healthy Woman" by Rodale Press.** So great! I read it and started going through and doing their suggestions right away. Within 5 months I had lost 10 - 15 lbs, and, more importantly, at least 2 inches around my hips, 3 around my waist, and toned my upper arms and jowls. That kind of change had a huge impact on my outlook, on my self perception. That's how I am more able to talk about my "assets" with apparent ease. I wasn't there a year ago. Who knows if I even would have been blogging. My image and understanding of myself is so different now than it was a year ago!

An additional thing I've learned through this process is that there's no time like the present. In order to be the person you want to be, you have to start somewhere and BE that person. That's true of my physical state of being, my mental health [be present and live in the moment, without the weight of the past or worries of the future seeping in], and my spiritual life. Be the person you want to be now.

I went through the clothes. I knew I owned and loved lots of black, but I went ahead and followed the authors' concept of putting each outfit on and figured out how many "looks" I could get out of each combination that could go together. They call these "capsules". In each capsule you have, let's say, slacks, a skirt, a couple of tops that could match, or jacket, and then accessories: shoes, scarves, jewelry that go along or complement.

I organized about 4 robust capsules in black, brown, green and purple. I had my "colors done" back in high school - sheesh I'm so 80's!!! And I was a "winter" - "with gold highlights". Anyone who has "had their colors done" has as vague an idea of what that means as I do. But basically, I look better in stronger, darker colors than I do in neutrals or pastels, with my skin tone. But then my hair and eye color tend towards the golden. So I need to take that into account when figuring out what looks good on me.

The authors also get into how to withstand fads. If you've taken the time to figure out what hemline works for you, don't cave, just because a fashion trend says that micro-minis are in. They suggest finding a tailor and riding out the fad looking good in what works for you. And even show a graph of the life-cycle of a fashion trend. When to buy as the trend is still going on, and might be on sale, but also how to determine when it will bottom out so you're not stuck w/last season's fashions looking silly.

My "look":

• I like solids. I wear a lot of solids. And mostly dark solids, up by my face.
  
• I've made the switch from regular hose to fishnets - now they come in neutral, skin-tone colors! Ingenious!
• When it comes to patterns, I adore plaids! Skirts or slacks. Maybe it's the British heritage? Or the tweedy academic upbringing?
  
• Texture. I like texture. Anything that looks woolly - but not mohair since I'm allergic.
• Big cowl necks are a fave too. Sweaters in general are good.
• No button shirts - they always gap in the middle. Embarrassing.
• No more mini-skirts. No denim skirts either, just don't like them.
• No crew neck shirts.
  
• A couple of years ago, after a huge sock purge, I made the vow that the only socks I will buy are argyle. So, now I have a bunch of wacky color combos of argyle socks and wear them with whatever color family I choose. It's fun.

I guess this is my homage to punks - fishnets, argyle and tartan - God Save the Queen!




* Looking Good: A Comprehensive Guide to Wardrobe Planning, Color & Personal Style Development (Paperback) by Nancy Nix-Rice (Author), Pati Palmer (Author) "Looking wonderful is less about fashion-designers dictating what's "in" and what's "out"-than about function-what works best for YOU..."

** I've had trouble actually finding the book that I originally bought because it was a supplement to a Prevention magazine edition (hence no ISBN). I've linked to the DVD, above, but I'm more of a 20th Century gal myself, and prefer the book. You can get a sense of the program by using this link to a Rodale article. I bought the "book" at the local grocery store, and recently saw it at Target. So, it's out there. The cover has a pink title with a svelte young woman in white workout shorts and a green jog bra.

"You Look Like a 35-year old!"

What does that mean? My dad always used to say that to me, or my sister, Angharad (Angie) whenever he thought we were dressed inappropriately. If we were wearing something that made us look older than our chronological age. Like too much makeup. And in the era of Big Eyeshadow, my "eye-con" was Donna Mills, from her Knot's Landing days. So maybe he was right!

But, now that I've turned 35, what does it mean to "look my age"? I had a bit of a crisis about this a while back. Having gone through the size and shape transformation of being pregnant, having kids, trying to slim down again, and working. How do you dress for all that? Where were the style guides? Where do I turn for help? This was a big huge problem for me.

When I was 30 and slim, a working woman, on the go, living in a big metropolitan area, I had an idea of myself and my style. There was a part of me that held back, but for the most part, I dressed the way I wanted to - lots of black clothes, lots of polyester from thrift stores, sensible shoes since my feet hurt, eye make-up every day, a shoulder-length or shorter cut for my straight brown hair.

While pregnant, both times, I borrowed some clothes, and bought most of my maternity wear at Target. I went through a period where I didn't really lose the fat I wanted to, and wore clothes that were really too big for me. And I struggled to determine my own style. But how? Where could I go? Was there a magazine out there for me? A column? A Blog? I didn't feel like anyone was speaking to me.

I suggested that my friend, Lakshmi, could start writing a style column. She had moved to an even more fashion-conscious metropolis than Philadelphia (if you can imagine that!). She was facing some of the same issues about defining one's style, and after many talks I think we helped each other, but also realized how at sea we both were. Another member of a discussion board we were both on was going through a similar thing, and so I put my research skills to work. I found a book: Looking Good: A Comprehensive Guide to WardrobePlanning, Color & Personal Style Development (Paperback)

I bought the book. Its drawings are a little bit 80's focused, but then, so am I. It talks about style in ways that I can understand. I'm middle class, and don't want to spend gobs and gobs of money on clothes all the time. The book has a very good way of explaining how to allocate money for your wardrobe. The author suggests plotting out how you spend your time. Do you work outside the home, care for children, cook, clean, volunteer, exercise, etc.? You need different clothes for those different activities. So, base your expenditures on how much time you spend doing each thing. Brilliant! I did this exercise and realized that I had definitely not spent enough money on my professional outfits.

The author then suggests getting a true picture of what your body shape is (with a trusted person) by drawing an outline of your body to step away from and evaluate: where are your "trouble spots" and where are your assets? I always thought I had an overly-short waist. Turns out that's fine. There are areas I can accentuate, and so I should dress to accentuate those areas. Are solids better for me? Patterns? Short hemlines or long? V-neck, collars, turtlenecks, what necklines work for me? Angie and I worked through it all and tried to figure it out.

All good stuff to think about. I tried to think about my "style" and that's the part I'm still struggling with but I've made a few fundamental decisions:

1. I want to have my own style, an evolution of my black and polyester days - the funky side of professional (and in my career that works).
2. I want to accentuate the positive while I have it, so that means v-necks, tops that show my curves without flaunting, long hemlines for my long legs - knee-length at the shortest - and, based on the recommendation of another friend, heels. I wear walking shoes on my walk to work, and then change into heels at the office.
3. I want to maintain my figure - not go crazy with it, but keep it at the state it's in, or better.
4. Continue with the makeup style I've evolved, and start upgrading the brands I use. At my age I can move away from the 99 cents bin at the drugstore.
5. Keep my hair longish, no bangs, but longer than chin-length. Again, accentuate the positive!
6. Finding the kinds of clothes I envision in my mind's eye is the problem. I continue to search.... So far for professional clothes I go to Ann Taylor Loft - it seems to combine what I like best - black and polyester with a teensy bit of funkiness appropriate for work.

more later...